Rest in Pieces
by Usako-chan
Summary: Heero/Relena fic. Done in the Relena's p.o.v. which is off from the way people usually perceive her. Her thoughts on her obsession and love. Limey and angst filled, so if you don't like that kind of stuff, don't read it.


Find It in Your Heart  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, Relena, Heero or even Saliva, whose lyrics I borrowed. I own my body and sanity....other than that...not much else.  
  
Warnings: besides angst and a little abusiveness....and....angst...lol, you may proceed with a little caution. Lyrics are enclosed with this: ...   
  
Look at me, my depth perception must be off again, Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did   
  
I don't know why I do this to myself. It's a disease, a sickness if you will that I seem to not be able to rid myself of. I thought I had no weaknesses. But from the moment you put that gun in my face, you threw me off. I knew I was so wrong, not only about my strength, but the world around me. Innocent as I was, I didn't understand then what I know now.  
  
But, it's not that I don't want to love you; it's just that I don't think I can, not like this. I don't have the power or the will to continue this way, and yet I don't have the strength to stop. I really thought I could handle this. My love for you should have been enough and at one time, I was convinced it was.  
  
But, Heero, I am only one person and everyone needs to know that they are loved or at least wanted by the one they admire. The fact that I want to hear you say it shouldn't make me feel so bad. It's not a sin to want that from you, so why do I feel this awful?  
  
It has not healed with time, It just shot down my spine - You look so beautiful tonight   
  
As I watch you walk towards me, I'm once again reminded of why I stay, why I put myself through this. You are a gorgeous man, that is unquestionable, but you are not simply striking in body. I don't think you realize your extent of beauty. I catch glimpses of the real you once in a while. After all the destruction and hate you have seen, you still have a grain of humanity left in you. It makes me believe that you really could love me, even if you can't say it. But is it enough? Is it enough to just hope and believe?  
  
You reach out to touch my hand and my thoughts zero in to nothing but your caresses.  
  
It would be safe to call this obsession. Because that's exactly what it is. Love and obsession are a fine line, similar to love and hate. Humans embrace both and both apply to the way I am when I'm with you. I have an obsessive love hate feeling towards you.  
  
I wonder do you even know half of what I feel.  
  
When you lean in to kiss me, I swear, I feel your kiss throughout my entire body. It's surreal to me. I love the way you taste and the way you move. Your hands and lips bring me to life. I feel so wrong for feeling that, but it can't be helped, because this feels so right.  
  
Remind me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life  
  
When you touch me so intimately, I forget everything else. Nothing but your warmth matters. The way you smile, only for me makes me want to cry. You kiss me and I do not recall how you annihilated everything I am. You've made me a different woman, maybe not on the outside or how the public sees me, but on the inside, I'm a distinctly different person: A wanton female who craves nothing but you.  
  
The sounds and sighs that issue from you make my stomach tremble with the knowledge that when you are like this, you are mine. The perfect soldier on the battlefield is conquered in my bed, and that comprehension makes me smile. It makes me feel more secure. In this familiarity of having your warmth covering me, I'm comforted to know that you really are just a vulnerable human boy, and nothing else.  
  
The awareness in your eyes when they look into mine shows me that you know that I have such a hold over you and that I know it. I know you hate it. You always hated weak things and the fact that you yourself are weak must really kill you inside. And yet, you always seem to welcome it with open arms, seem to want to continue in this cycle of lust, love and denial.  
  
Your breath hitches when I scratch my nails down your back, marking you as mine. Is it from pain, pleasure, or maybe both? Sadistic as it seems, I hope it's both. You bring me pain, so why can't I give you some of it back? The pleasure comes from only my innate sense of love I carry for you.  
  
My body asks for so much, but your body asks more of me. The force that pulls at us both is finally too much to withstand and I give in as do you.  
  
When you and I are complete, and everything is silent, I feel your heart beating against my own. Your breath runs across me. Your face in my hair and you, still joined so intimately within me all bring me back to where I was before, back to my initial thought: that I want out, but simply can't bring myself to do it.  
  
I have no one to blame but myself and I don't really want to care.  
  
Would you find it in your heart to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces  
  
I know that I've thought this all along, but the thought of it rips me up inside. If I was honest with myself I'd admit that I want you to end this, simply because I can't do it myself because I'm not strong enough to. I'm not even willing to do this. I love you so much, so nothing will change. I'll keep on dying a little and being reborn that much more every time I'm with you and you touch me.  
  
A/N: This fic just wouldn't leave me alone and I can't really figure out why. I went to the Saliva concert a couple of days ago and this song just really stuck in my mind that it should be about Relena and Heero. The lyrics could really apply to both of them, even though I chose to show this from Relena's P.O.V. I hope this wasn't too angst-like or weird. lol But oh well. Review please! 


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